End Of World Rescheduled Due To Math Error
By G. Alan Groop
Berkley, CA - A shocking announcement, by The Center for Planetary Studies, suggests that the life span of the Sun has been overestimated by 4,999,999,990 years. Until recently the expected life of the Sun was 5 billion years. The Center is now estimating the sun will deplete all of its hydrogen in the next ten years and will no longer provide the heat and light necessary to support life on Earth. "We just screwed up," says Dr. Ben Stover, lead researcher for the program. "All of our previous calculations were made using some metrics conversion constants we got from our mathematician Dr. Vern Shempkey. We had always trusted Dr. Shempkey implicitly, taking his work as gospel. We became concerned, however, when Vern started claiming he had solved perpetual motion and "had the equations to prove it". Additionally he tried to show us proof that the first and second laws of thermodynamics were invalid. At that point we began doing some checks on previous works and found that he was way off on his calculations for the life span of our sun." "We're all disappointed," Dr. Stover continued, "I had plans to retire in 10 years, not freeze solid."
While the loss of the Sun will cause many problems, such as total destruction of all life on the planet Earth, it is expected this will have an immediate and positive effect on the economy. Prudent investors, squirreling away for retirement, will undoubtedly liquidate their 401K accounts and go on a spending spree.
