Stupid Man Sues Stupid Parents For Making Him Stupid
by G. Alan Groop
In an unprecedented legal case, Johnnie Ray Dumont, 33, of Hope Arkansas has filed suit against his parents for causing him to be stupid. In the suit, Dumont claims the combination of his parents "stupid genes" have caused him to be stupid and forced him to endure untold hardship. "They should have known that they shouldn't have gotten together, in the Biblical sense," states Tommy "Slick" Lomax, who is representing Dumont. "His parents, Vince and Agnes Dumont, have a combined IQ of about 190, which means they each have an IQ of about … awe hell you figure it out," Lomax continues. "With smarts like that, your chances of having a freaking genius offspring are not so good." Lomax described Johnnie Ray's life as a "series of stupid mistakes and decisions". "He was no good in school, except for wood shop, and that came to an end when he made a stupid mistake and cut his earlobe off with a band saw. Johnnie couldn't hold a job, on account of his inability to be avoid stupid mistakes." The suit contends that Johnnie was forced into a life of crime due to his inability to do anything else. "Since he was a stupid criminal, he naturally made stupid mistakes," Lomax explains. "He tried to rob a bank, but left empty-handed when the teller informed him he needed an account with the bank in order to rob it. He really tried to be a good criminal, but with him being stupid, it was just a matter of time before he was caught." As Lomax explained, the end came for Johnnie when he tried to steal an ATM machine from a local bank. "He almost got away with it by using a forklift to pull it out of the wall. He made a good run, but couldn't outrun the police in his Heister 600, propane-powered forklift." After a low speed chase, Johnnie was caught and convicted of several felonies as well as driving a forklift while intoxicated. Imprisoned, Johnnie Ray made the stupid mistake of trying to break out of prison and, of course failed. He is currently working on his GED and plans to enroll in an embalming correspondence course when he graduates.
